Fly on the Wall
by DetBenson
Summary: Living victims eventually smile again. Dead people don’t.
1. Chapter 1

**Fly on the Wall**

Living victims eventually smile again. Dead people don't.

Chapter One

**Disclaimer: **I do not own these characters; I simply borrowed them for entertainment purposes

**Author's Note: **This is my first fan fiction so I apologize if it does not meet expectations. I would appreciate any reviews and constructive criticism so that I can improve as a writer. Plus, it would be nice to know what people think.

_You might say that I am jealous. Or paranoid. Maybe insecure or off the mark or immature. Perhaps you would go so far as to say that I am completely ridiculous. I know that sometimes, I think that I am. But then I stand back, and reevaluate, and think that maybe, just maybe, I am right on target. I'll let you be the judge._

I have worked for New York's finest for over a decade, most of that time spent as a detective in the Special Victims Unit. Many people don't understand why I do what I do – I mean, _Sex Crimes? Crimes Against Children? _But someone has to do it right? Plus, I don't want to work in homicide. Dealing with nothing but dead bodies day in and day out sounds so depressing. Living victims eventually smile again. Dead people don't.

I love my job, but I am trying not to let it consume me. I don't want it to be my entire life. I don't want it to come between me and my family. Well, not anymore. It did once. It cost me my wife. And custody of my kids. I spent all my time at work, on the streets or in the precinct, and somewhere along the way, I failed to notice my wife's attention wander, her devotion disintegrate, her fire for me extinguish. Then one day, she packed up and left. Took the kids. Sure, I still see them every other weekend and at big events, but its not the same. Now, I have a new wife, a new baby, a whole new family, and I am determined to not let my job interfere again. Its an effort, but I make it. Besides, while I do love my job, my office environment can drive me a little crazy.

And that is what this whole rant is about. That is what I meant before when I told you that you might call me jealous or paranoid or any number of unfavorable adjectives. But let me tell you about my office environment before you jump to any conclusions. Maybe once I tell you how I feel and what I see around me, I will change my own opinion of myself. Maybe I will even smile again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Fly on the Wall**

Living victims eventually smile again. Dead people don't.

Chapter Two

**Disclaimer: **I do not own these characters; I simply borrowed them for entertainment purposes

Every day I go to the 1-6. Every day, I pour my coffee and listen to the office banter, pretending to be a part of it, but feeling more and more invisible with every chuckle. To them, I am merely background, part of the scenery, blending in with the cool metal desks and chairs as if I were made of aluminum myself. I am not a part of them; to them, it is as if I do not exist.

Who are _they_? To begin, there is John Munch. He is old but quick, a man who commands respect by his very swagger and by the lines on his face that remind us he has the wisdom of years in the field. He speaks of conspiracies and government secrets, but he never fails in his patriotism and his commitment to protect victims from the criminally influenced. His wit amuses everyone but precious few get the opportunity to be personally entertained by it. I often find myself chucking at his interactions with his partner, but then I look up and am reminded that my chuckle falls on deaf ears. I am not a part of their world.

His partner. Odafin Tutuola. Better known as "Fin." Fin is someone that, if you met him on the street, you'd rather look the other way than chance blinking wrong in his direction. He has a touch exterior; when he first transferred from Narcotics, my partner and I took bets on how long it would take until he realized his hands-on, tough-guy act was not going to work here. But Fin is softer than he would care to admit. The macho attitude only emerges with perps and while undercover. I have to give him credit – Fin is a much stronger SVU detective than I ever would have expected him to be. I guess there is a place for the tough ones outside of narcotics. Although, I can never help but look at Fin with some contempt. When Munch's old partner left, I had hoped that Captain Cragen would assign me to be his new partner, that I would finally earn one of the coveted positions in the squad and that I would finally emerge from the background. But, Fin is transferred in from Narcotics and immediately joins the top ranks, immediately becomes one of Cragen's favorites. Word is Fin was one damn fine Narcotics detective before he joined SVU. I believe it, for as much as I cringe at Fin's harsh tactics and envy his place as Munch's partner, I cannot deny the skill Fin brings to this job. I only wish Cragen thought me as worthy.

And then there is Stabler, Elljot Stabler, the Irish-Catholic father of four whose motivation for catching perps comes from his strong masculine view of the world – of his perception that he is the husband of a woman who could be raped, a father to daughters who could be raped, a father to a son who could be victimized, and that in these roles, he needs to protect all the wives, daughters, mothers, and sons out there as if they were his very own. I actually feel for the man lately – rumor has it his wife left him and took the kids. I want to tell him I know what he is going through, but the inadequacies I felt about talking to the "big man on campus" in high school always resurface whenever I stand within mere feet of him. Besides, Stabler has never been one for sharing his thoughts or feelings. He is 100 job focused, which probably is why he is known as one of Cragen's top two detectives. Stabler has this gift when it comes to police work, maybe because his father was a cop or maybe because his life is his work. I wouldn't be surprised if Stabler were to become the next Captain of SVU. Until then, the rest of us can just sit back and watch him through the spark in the Captain's eyes.

Finally, there is Olivia. Detective Olivia Benson, partner to Stabler, and the other one of Cragen's top two detectives. She is every bit as beautiful as her name, a rarity among female cops. There aren't many female detectives in the squad, but the few that exist are somewhat jealous of Olivia. From the moment she joined the unit, she was paired with Cragen's best detective, who also happened to be the sexiest (according to the women anyway), and she had turned more heads than we could count. The lesbian detectives fell all over her and the female detectives were quick to hate her because she threatened their self-confidence. She was proof that no matter how old she was or how masculine the job, she could be as youthful, beautiful and feminine as the model on Cosmo. Even Stabler could be seen gawking at her from time to time, although being the good Catholic he is, he would never admit to it. Besides, she would probably pound him one good if she ever caught him at it. Its embarrassing, but she could probably do some serious damage to any one of the cops in the unit. She is fiercely independent and strong – both physically and emotionally. She has never shed so much as a tear in front of anyone, not even her partner, no matter how heart-wrenching the case and she has made it clear that she doesn't need the protection of a man. Every so often I catch Cragen smile in her direction and I cannot help but think that he thinks of her as a daughter, as the daughter he never had. But that is not why she is one of his favorites. It is because she has such compassion with the victims, and it is that compassion that makes her a star cop.

These are the detectives we all wish we could be but would never admit it. They are Cragen' stars – they get the best cases and have the best reputations. Even more, they are the best of friends and partners. They are our colleagues, but they stand above us, a symbol of who we can aspire to be. We are the detectives in the background, the detectives who handle the smaller cases, the lower priority arrests, the grunt work for those cases that are so huge that the entire squad needs to make a group effort. Except that in those cases, we learn to work in their shadows. We sit while those four stand.


End file.
